Six Degrees of Star Wars Canon

Do you have the burning desire to argue whether Darth Vader, Revan, or Emperor Palpatine is the most powerful? Have you ever wondered if Revan would pwn Darth Maul’s butt?  (Yes) If you have, you’re a geek. If you’ve ever debated these life-altering issues on a Star Wars forum and brought up ‘canon’ (or ‘cannon‘, for those who prefer the artillery version), you are a complete and utter geek. If you’ve moderated a motley bunch of geeks, well, you’re so geeky, your geekiness has reached a level of nerd nirvana normally reserved for people like Bill Gates, except with a whole lot less money.

If you chuckle at this, you just might be a geek. (1)

If you chuckle at this, you just might be a geek. (1)

As a super-moderator on LucasForums, I’ve done two things. First, I’ve escaped being made an administrator, because the Geek Factor just might make the universe explode. Second, I’ve moderated people who are fighting about Star Wars canon. Yes, I said fighting. I’m not sure why discussion of Star Wars canon can inflame the level of hatred normally reserved for baby killers and tax collectors, but it happens. If you ever see a “Revan vs. X” thread on any forum, I guarantee you that the “it’s not canon!!!11!!11!eleventy-one!!11!!” argument will appear even faster than a mention of Hitler in a political/religious thread.

After moderating a number of these threads, and surely not influenced by the level of 151 rum in my cup that night, I decided to chime in on the canon argument. This is my updated version.

This cannon is not canon. (2)

This cannon is not canon. (2)

Statement on the New Six degrees of Star Wars Canon

We, at WookieWikiWarrickWicketpedia, wish to clear up the confusion of ‘Canon’ in Star Wars by instituting a new classification system on how to rank the different Star Wars and Star Wars EU (Extended Universe, aka ‘Extremis Uniflammitorio’) materials. This will replace the Canon-a, b, c & g system, along with other associated letters and symbols, up to and including the ampersand. This was becoming just too confusing, resulting in many emails and tweets from forum administrators and moderators who were ‘having to deal with too damn many threads on arguments over Canon’.

As a result, we now establish forthwith the Six Degrees of Star Wars Canon. This shall supersede, override, and otherwise be totally more awesome than any previous versions of Canon, which are now no longer Canon, because We Said So. Not even Leland Chee can change this.

First Degree Canon shall be The Movies. Radio adaptations, so long as they include voices from the Original Actors (and Actresses) shall also be First Degree Canon. The Screenplays are also First Degree Canon, but only if George Lucas put a ‘GL’ on every page. The official soundtracks are First Degree Canon, because John Williams has included the use of both the bassoon and the triangle in his music, and quite possibly the krummhorn. Anything spoken by George Lucas is First Degree Canon, including those more mundane statements like ‘I want to order a pizza’ and ‘I need to take a dump.’

Second Degree Canon shall include those radio adaptations that deviate from the script slightly but still maintain the ‘True Spirit’ of the movies. ‘True Spirit’ shall be determined by us, unless George Lucas says otherwise. Those radio adaptations that include the voices of Harrison Ford or Liam Neeson shall automatically be changed to First Degree Canon, because their voices are really sexy. Those adaptations that include excess amounts of Jar-Jar Binks or Ewok cuteness shall automatically be reduced to Sixth Degree Canon or less.

Third degree Canon shall include any books that George Lucas decides shall be Third Degree, which is pretty much everything else not in the First and Second Degrees. It’s his world—if he wants to say a book is First Degree or Sixth Degree, we shall bow to his greater Star Wars wisdom. The exception are the Vong books, which shall be reduced to the Degree of Hell normally reserved for those who continually talk through movies. All Star Wars games are Third Degree Canon. The Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic games, along with Star Wars: The Old Republic, are Second Degree Canon because they are Really Righteous. The SWTOR Encyclopedia and all Gree speak shall likewise be Second Degree, because the SWTOR writers are made of win and Hall Hood achieves ultramarine apogee.  We hereby declare all permutations of Revan and Exile to be Canon, because trying to pick just one was really pissing off the fans. The Star Wars Lego games normally would be Fourth Degree Canon because of the ‘cutesy factor’. However, since my kids love them, and I can play a Yoda Lego figure, they may remain at Third Degree.

Fourth Degree Canon includes any comic books. Graphic novels remain at Third Degree because ‘graphic novel’ just sounds more cool than ‘comic book.’ The exception is the Knights of the Old Republic comic book series, which is destined to become a Graphic Novel when bound together, and because they’ve drawn Zayne Carrick really cute. It’s at least Third Degree, and we might even make that series Second Degree if sales continue to be good.

Fifth Degree Canon includes all fan-fiction, unless they are “Really Good,” which, by our definition, is anything with over 1,000 views on LucasForums and/or FanFiction.net. Any stories with 15 thumbs-ups or greater on kotorfanmedia.com shall also achieve this rare distinction. If they’re “Really Good”, then they can, at the option of the administrators, moderators, and/or the author, move to Fourth Degree. The exception is if the spam-per-view ratio approaches 1:82, in which case the fanfic shall be declared ‘spammy’. That fic drops to Sixth Degree. Action figures are Fifth Degree Canon, unless they involve Yoda, Han Solo, or Luke Skywalker. These are First Degree Canon because I like them and because Frank Oz rules.

Sixth Degree Canon includes any speculative posts on any forums. It also includes any non-speculative posts, comments, jokes, pictures, and other written, visual, aural, or tactile media. Anything else not already specified shall be Sixth Degree Canon, unless the author finds something she really likes, in which case the Degree of Canon may be altered accordingly. Forum posts that are written by administrators, moderators, LucasArts, or BioWare employees shall be whatever Degree of Canon they desire, because the author feels the need to suck up, unless George Lucas declares otherwise, because his First Degree is more equal than everyone else’s First Degree.

We hope this clears up any confusion about Canon. If you have any further questions, please send an email to our help center at ‘we won’t answer it anyway.idiot’. We will do our best to make sure that the answer to your questions are answered with as much obfuscation as possible, preferably by someone who does not even speak your language.

Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.

Image sources: (1) theChive.com (2) HQWallpapers4Free.com

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Geeky Kitchen Gadgets

We spent Labor Day weekend laboring in the kitchen. Trusty hubby finally had enough of the light-brown-striped wallpaper, and decided it was time to paint. I had chosen a nice sunny yellow, and told the family I was planning on doing cobalt blue accents. The kids then found a TARDIS cookie jar–cobalt blue, of course! This started a discussion on whether or not the kitchen should have a sci-fi theme, because, after all, we ARE a geeky family, and this could actually be a serious consideration.

The well-dressed sci-fi kitchen goddess begins here! (1)

While I did eventually decide that we’ll have a sort of French-country-kitchen theme with some cobalt blue fleur-de-lys stenciled onto the soffits, having a few sci-fi accessories are Good Things.

Here are a few of my favorites.

Star Wars cookie cutters. Williams-Sonoma has a variety of cookie cutters and pancake molds in the Star Wars theme, perfect for those of us who need something out of the ordinary for Christmas.

Darth Vader has never looked so yummy. (2)

They also offer spatulas that can be used to remove those cookies from the baking sheets.

Helmets come in handy for handling hot cookies. (3)

One of my son’s favorite gadgets, which he originally found at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum gift store, is the Enterprise Pizza Cutter. Since we make a universe of pizzas, this cutter could help us explore new worlds, and new toppings, and boldly go where no cheese has gone before.

The lasers could theoretically cut through even the thickest pizza. If not, a few photon torpedoes can do the trick. (4)

Just in case you need some drinks to go along with your pizza, Star Trek also offers you bottle opens that suit many needs, from Romulan Ale to prune juice.

Use the Bird of Prey to open your blood wine, while the bottle opener can help with that prune juice! (5)

Everyone agrees that the coolest geeky kitchen item is the Tardis cookie jar. This is chiefly because if it really is bigger on the inside, it will naturally hold more cookies. Plus, it would just look cool on the kitchen counter.

Will it be bigger on the inside? (6)

Share your favorite sci-fi kitchen gadgets and anything you’ve made with them! I’d love to see what other folks use! Feel free to follow me @JaeOnasi or on Facebook.

Image sources: (1) TheChive.com, (2), (3) http://www.williams-sonoma.com, (4), (5) startrek.com, (6) thinkgeek.com