Geek Musk

Go far you shall, young padawans.Image via WikipediaIt is my job, as a Geeky Mom, to do 2 things in my children’s lives.  Well, 3, if you count grounding them in faith and ethics.

1. Teach them how to handle being Geeks.  Since they have 2 Geeky Parents, they’re doomed to be Geeks themselves, although my aunt still has hopes that going clothes shopping regularly with my daughter might somehow save her from her destiny.

2. Teach them how not to smell like Geeks.  My son and I had this very discussion just the other morning before school.

Let’s face it. Anyone who has been to the chief Geek hangouts–anime and sci-fi conventions, movie theaters, LAN cafes, comic book stores, GameStops, and “mom’s basement”–knows this odor all too well.

As an aside, I asked my Trusty Skypernauts for more Geek hang-outs.  Trusty Friend Ross contributed GameStop, and Trusty Friend Kheren contributed “mom’s basement”. Trusty Friend N’Eligahn replied, “If you mean like, social areas, then you just put geek with social and that does not compute.” I replied, “Yes, I know it’s kind of like dividing by 0 and making the universe implode, but geeks do have SOME hang-outs.”

Anyway, Geek Musk is very distinct.  It is a bouquet of pungent, well, stinkiness, created from the items below.

a. A fragrant, and by ‘fragrant’ I mean ‘reeks as bad as a skunk eating gouda’, pizza box sitting on top of the stove with one slice of deep dish pepperoni-onion-bacon-anchovies-with-extra-cheese left over from the night before.  Please, for the love of God, at least put that thing in the fridge right after eating dinner, preferably inside a biohazard container so I don’t have to deal with skunky gouda smell.  I do not want to see your florid-bacteria-culture-in-a-Pizza-Hut-box.  I have the fear that it’s going to turn neon-green and walk off the stove at any moment.  Then, go brush your teeth so that I don’t have to smell the onion and dead fishy stench from 500 yards away.

b. 15 scattered, almost-but-not-quite-empty plastic bottles of Mountain Dew.  Fortunately, the neon green plastic hides the florid bacteria culture crawling up the insides and creating that unique scent wafting from the tops like a forest of miniature belching smokestacks.

c. No less than 3 empty Cheetoes bags, with stale, half-eaten Cheeto crumbs peppering the top of the desk. I am thoroughly convinced that no bacteria can grow on Cheetoes because they really are covered with Agent Orange and/or radiation, therefore I do not worry about florid bacteria cultures growing here.  However, the artificial, pseudo-cheese scent becomes noxious in combination with other skunky gouda emanations.

d. Unwashed underwear. Underwear is meant to be worn one day, and one day only.  Wearing them frontwards, then backwards, then inside out, then inside out and backwards, does not count as ‘one day’.

e.  That ‘greasy hair’ smell.  I know this may come as a surprise to some Geeks, but the shower is probably located in the same general vicinity as the toilet.  Geeky Moms know that you know where the toilet is, because you leave the seat up all the time.  The good Lord put shampoo on this planet for Geeks to use, preferably before your hair becomes the latest OPEC oil field.

f. 8-day old armpit funk. The good Lord put deodorant on this planet for Geeks to use, preferably before your pit-stench creates a 3-mile radius of putrid green fumes swirling around you.  You take the cap off and smear the deodorant on your armpits, just to be blatantly obvious here.

It was this last point that I was trying to drive home to my teenage son, who has not quite yet mastered the art of using the Speed Stick every day, at least not without a reminder every other day or so.  Yesterday, however, he had anticipated my Geeky Mom question, “Did you put on the deodorant today?”, and had, without any reminder, actually used the Speed Stick.  It was a proud moment for me as a Geeky Mom.

Anyway, when I asked The Question, he grinned widely, proudly lifted one arm high above his head, stuck his armpit in my face, and said with great glee, “Yes!!!  I used my deodorant!!!  Here, SMELL!!”

This is, of course, EXACTLY what I want to do at 7:12 am before the coffee has even finished brewing. 

So, I did what every self-respecting, peace-loving Geeky Mom does in such situations.  I noted with my leet black belt Taekwondo skillz that the side of his chest was wide open, and punched him right in the ribs.  Not hard enough to hurt anything, of course.  He pulled his arm back down in surprise, got into a protective stance, and then laughed, “Mom! What did you do THAT for?!?”

I replied with great faux indignation, “THAT is for sticking your armpit in my face–and before I even had my first cup of coffee!!”

This elicited more convulsions of laughter.

I continued, “AND for being TALL enough now to do it, too!” 

I had to pick him up off the ground after he finished his spasms of guffaws.

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