How to be a Facebook Idiot

Famous posthumous portrait of Niccolò Machiave...Image via WikipediaDespite having been off work several months recovering from my knee replacement, I still kept up, albeit on an extremely limited basis, with what was going on at my office.  The last year in my workplace has been, shall we say, quite ‘entertaining’. By ‘entertaining’ I mean ‘full of enough political machinations, intrigue, gossip, and personality conflicts that even Machiavelli would be studying it with Great Interest’.  I make a point to hide in my ‘little cave’, as I call my part of the office, in order to avoid most of it.  However, at some point I have to do things like heat up my coffee or use the bathroom, and that eventually involves some level of co-worker interaction.  The new manager, fortunately, is quite skilled in handling this, and I have great faith that the situation will improve.

Anyway, I learned recently that a friend was ‘no longer with her company’.  This allegedly may have had something to do with some negative comments about one of her coworkers that showed up on her facebook profile.  It got read by those above her in the chain of command, as it were, probably sent to them by one of the miffed co-workers out to get her, because I don’t think those above her on the chain of command would honestly care otherwise.  Now, this is not what I would call ‘a brilliant move’ on her part. Of course, I’m not 100% sure on this allegation, particularly if anyone in my office or above me in the chain of command happens to be reading this blog.

I’ve worked in a couple places where the policy was ‘no texting while working’.  This rule has been followed about as well as speed limits are observed by taxi drivers.  Not surprisingly, Facebook posting has been a big part of this. After observing my coworkers, I have learned many unique ways to be a complete and utter idiot on Facebook, and I have even made up a few of my own.  I’ll leave you to decide which ones.

1. Talk about “J” or “412-ing”.  Yeah, because the cops never, ever search Facebook, and will never figure that one out, since none of them ever talk to drug users or even consult (NSFW).

2.  Have an argument back and forth with your boyfriend/girlfriend.  Hearing an argument between a boyfriend and girlfriend is bad enough.  Reading it on Facebook makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Watching you on the job while you madly thumb-key insults to your ‘beloved’ makes me want to gouge both your eyes and my eyes out.

3. Sharing your sexual exploits.  Like the internet needs any more porn at this point.  It certainly doesn’t need your crappy, fake porn.  As a mom, I do not want to read how “hawt” you think my kids are and what you did with them last night when I know they were safe at home and you weren’t there. Here’s a hint–your grandma doesn’t want to hear it, either.

4. Saying negative things about your co-workers, your boss, or your company in your status message.  Nope, no one will ever read that, copy it, and paste a copy of that status message into an email to said co-worker, boss, or company. Not at all.  Especially after you’ve said something to them that made them mad. No future potential employers will ever read your facebook either.

5. Too. Much. Information.  I do NOT want to read how many times you vomited after drinking Heaven-only-knows how much alcohol the night before.  I do NOT want to read about how you managed to pee on your cell phone.  I do NOT want to know the size of your body parts.  I do NOT want to know what your psychiatrist told you to do at your latest visit.  Some things just don’t need to be said.

Trusty Friend N’Eligahn introduced me to Failbook.  I’d say I nearly wet myself laughing, but that would be over-sharing. 😀   Here are just a few gems:
“Over the Line”–the comments are just as good as the Failbook entry.
“A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande ECHEC”
“Bi-Polar”Enjoy, and feel free to share your favorite Failbooks!

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