Anyone who listens to Dean Richards on WGN on Sundays (or watches him on WGN TV) knows of his love affair with this year’s movie, Mamma Mia. Love affair as in, he’d love to take all copies of the movie and soundtracks and crush them under the weight of a black hole–even a giant Mack dump truck would do in a pinch–so that they disappear into oblivion. He cannot stand the singing by the main actors in that movie.
Steve Cochran, the evening announcer for WGN radio, couldn’t let that one lay, of course. Right before Christmas, Dean was on Steve’s show going over the best and worst movies of the year. Steve, comedian that he is, handed Dean a wrapped gift. Dean opened it. You could see the pained look on his face through the radio. It was Mamma Mia, of course. Not just the DVD, either–this was the CD of the Mamma Mia soundtrack. Dean, of course, expressed his true feelings and thanks for this ‘gift’. One of the WGN folks suggested re-gifting it. At this point, all sorts of things popped into my head about what he could do with that CD, so I wrote him an email. It went as follows:
I heard on Steve’s show this evening that you’d received a Mamma Mia
soundtrack from him, and there was a suggestion to re-gift it. However,
there are so many other uses for this, and I thought I’d share some with
you as inspiration. Note that the tongue is planted firmly in cheek….
1. Since I’m sure you’re going to get a bunch of these for Christmas,
string them up with pretty colored string, a la Martha Stewart, and
attach them to a decorative hook. Non-decorative hooks, of course,
simply will not do. Adjust the string lengths so that the CDs will
overlap to whatever degree you desire. Hang it up outside as a wind
chime. I’m sure the music it creates that way will be just as lovely.
2. Thread a napkin through the center hole and use it as a napkin ring
for an ’80’s or 90’s theme party.
3. Find a dowel rod that is just slightly smaller than the center hole.
Spray paint it whatever Martha Stewart has said is the color of the
season, and let dry. Place one or more disks on the hole, and slide
them down so that they’re an equal distance apart, and use a hot glue
gun (following all safety instructions on the package) to secure the
discs in place. Glue on various kitschy things to add decor, making it
gaudy without being completely gauche. Place the dowel upright in a
decorative stand and secure in place. A non-decorative stand, of
course, simply will not do. Use this as a tiered appetizer tray on your
table. Make sure it’s clean, of course. This is important. I’m
thinking you could fit about 8 to 10 mini-tarts or Hershey kisses on
each CD tray. Imagine the oohs and aahs that will come from your guests
when they view this creation.
4. Conduct scientific experiments. There are many things you could
attempt to do, such as testing how much pressure it takes with a ball
point pen, key, or wire brush in order to scratch it. You could test its
melting point or the amount of vegetable oil it takes to dissolve it in
one of the local university chemistry departments. Please do not do
this inside your house. I take no responsibility for any noxious fumes.
Please use appropriate safety gear and whatever other legal disclaimers
belong here so that I can’t get sued if the CD blows up.
5. Coat it with peanut butter and then roll it in birdseed or sunflower
seeds. Thread some twine through the center hole and hang it outside
from a tree as a little bird feeder.
6. If you have received so many CDs that you still don’t know what to do
with them–glue them all around a giant styrofoam ball, covering it as
fully as possible. Hang it from the ceiling and shine a light on it,
using it as an impromptu disco ball. Play real ABBA music at the party.
7. Use it as a plant coaster for a Chia pet. It’s the only kind of
plant I can think of that deserves that honor.
Hope you find these suggestions of some use. I’m not quite sure what
use that might be, of course.
Happy Holidays to you and the entire WGN crew!
Dean actually took the time out of his insane schedule (I honestly don’t know how he keeps up with it all) to drop me an email back, saying, “Absolutely hilarious!! Merry Christmas, Dean.” I thought that was quite nice of him to send that, and I got a kick out of giving him a good laugh.